Just Jump
by Mostwanted457
Summary: It's life or death. A 14 year old girl makes that decison after struggling for too long with the burdens life has but on her. Is suicide the answer? Angst. Rated T because pretty depressing and mature topic. short story.


I shivered.

The short wall I stood on was wide and traveled the whole length of the old bridge. It was cold, rough stone that was placed together with skilled hands. It was gray and dull, matching the sky's gloomy shadows. I looked down. The rapidly moving water was dark and ominous. I watched small ice chunks swiftly glide away on the current. I noticed the sharp rocks jutting out from the freezing water. White foam surrounded them and you could hear the crash of the current on the defiant rocks. The water was emotionless, a cold killer. It was an unceasing movement, the water would be unmerciful to any who dared invade its watery territory. If you weren't pounded to pieces by being shoved up against the rocks, then you would freeze to death, or drown. I stared down. My face was blank. I felt wind on my raw face and mist on my trembling body. The water seemed to be reaching, groping, trying to grab me and pull me under. It failed time and time again. The bridge was so high, too high, and I knew it would never reach me...unless I wanted it to reach me. And I did. Soon I would join it, I would let the brutal water take me into its deathly embrace. I would freely choose to give my life away.

I shivered again. Was it from fear? No. I didn't feel fear, only pain. Too much pain. I wondered, though, would it hurt? Would I feel my body hit the water? Would I feel myself be broken into pieces as I get pierced by a rock? Or would I fall into blackness as my body fell into the water? The bridge seemed very high up, but how long would the fall really last? Why didn't I just jump now? Why did I wait? Why was I asking questions? Would it really matter if it hurt, it couldn't possibly hurt more than the pain I felt everyday.

_Just jump now._ A voice said, an angry, hurt voice, in my head, _Jump now, before anyone comes. Jump now, in the early morning before the sun has peeked its golden head out. Jump now, so that your body will be washed away before anyone even realizes you are gone. Jump now, when the road is empty and you're all alone. Jump now, and for once and for all, end your pain. Jump now, and be done with it. It can all go away. You can make it all go away. Just jump. Do it. Jump._

"Not yet." I whispered to myself, "I have to wait."

_Wait for what. There's nothing to wait for. Jump. The end of all your pains is so close. All you need to do is jump. there's nothing to wait for. _

"Not yet. I have to wait until my parents get here, then I'll jump."

_You know they won't come. Don't make up excuses. Just jump._

"I want them to see. To see what they drove me to. I want them to see me die." I murmured my eyes squeezed shut tight.

_They won't come. _

"I know."

_Then jump. Jump now. You don't need them. No one loves you. No one will come. Death wants you, I want you. Leave all that behind. Come with me. Just jump. It will all go away. Jump._

I staggered as the voice bluntly stated what I had always known was true. Then I collected myself and took a step forward. I lifted my foot and felt nothing beneath it. Just a little more and it would all be gone. My eyes were closed. All I could hear was my heartbeat and the sound of the river as it gnashed its teeth at me. 5...4...3...2...

"Wait!" A panicked voice called out suddenly. I froze and pulled my foot back tentatively. I turned to face the mysterious person who had yelled to me. My eyes stared at a woman who was climbing out of her car. She looked like she was heading to work for she was wearing a neat suit and had a briefcase on the seat next to the driver's seat. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun. Her face showed concern, a deep worry.

"Wait." She said more calmly, looking back at me, "What are you doing?"

I continued staring and then slowly answered, "I'm getting away."

"Getting away? From what?" She asked. She tried to appear calm, but I saw the fear in her eyes.

"I'm getting away from here."

"From here." She echoed "Where do you want to go?"

I knew what she was doing. She was playing stupid, like she didn't know what was really going on. I could tell from the expression in her eyes that she knew what I was really doing. She knew I was going to kill myself. I was 14, I knew this trick. Why she did it was beyond me, but I knew what she was up to.

I answered after a moment, "Why do you care? You can't take me where I'm going." I added, looking hard at her.

"How do you know? Maybe I can." She replied while her hand fumbled inside her shiny person. So that's what she was doing. She was trying to stall while she called the police.

"I know what you're doing. Don't call them. Or I will jump, now."

She froze, then stammered, "I wasn't...You didn't think I was going...I'm not..."

I turned and faced the water now. The fog was slowly lifting to reveal dark clouds. The wind picked up. The lady was still behind me. She was staring at me, I could almost feel it.

She spoke, "Why? Why are you getting away? You seem too young."

"You'd think." I murmured partly to myself, "But I guess you're never too young. Pain doesn't wait for age. It never has."

"But, why?" She prodded me.

"I'm tired of it, I want to get away. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. It's always there. It's in the nightmares that wake me at night. It's in the morning that starts the new day, that never brings any hope or joy, only more pain. Every breath I take the pain is there. I wake from nightmares only to live the nightmare of my life. I want to go away. I want it to leave me, but it won't. So instead I will leave it. This is my only escape."

The lady listened then remarked, "But you have your whole life ahead of you. Why give it up now? It's only the beginning. Don't end it now. Life is short, don't make it shorter."

"Why would I want to make the pain last longer? Why would I put myself through more of this?" I asked scornfully.

The lady became quiet. I shuffled closer to the edge of the short wall. I heard her try to muffle a worried gasp. Rain started to pelt me. I didn't move, just stared at the water below. About half an hour passed when I heard a car. I hoped that it was the lady finally leaving. I realized it wasn't when a different voice started speaking.

"What's going on? Why is she up there, in weather like this?" It was a male, who sounded middle age. When he was speaking he tried to keep it quiet so that I wouldn't hear, but I heard anyways. My back stiffened defensively.

"She...she's getting away." The lady replied shakily, using my own words.

"Getting away, where...you don't mean she's..." The man asked incredulously.

The rain poured harder, now I couldn't even make out the water, let alone hear what the people were whispering to each other. I ignored all this and went back into my own thoughts.

_Jump. Jump now. I'm tired of waiting. These people won't be able to stop you, no one will see you jump. The rain will cover you. It won't hurt, I promise. I'll take good care of you. It's better with me, and you know it. Jump. It's so easy, so simple, all you need to do is jump._

"But..." I murmured back.

_But what? What are you waiting for?_

"My parents, I want them to see this."

_Your parents aren't coming Lily, and you know that. _

"They have to. They need to see this."

_See what? They need to see you die? Why? They don't care about you. You dying, it wouldn't bother them. Just jump now, before more people show up._

"Not yet, I'm..."

_You're what? Afraid? Just jump, before anyone else shows up. I love you, I want you, your parents don't. Nobody in this cruel world wants you, but I do, death does. _

"I...I...okay.." I crawled on my hands and knees and felt for the ledge. I found it and stood up.

_That's it, a little closer, one more step, and this is all done._

"Good-bye." I whispered, "Good riddance." I bent my legs, preparing to jump, this would be my best and last dive. The world would never see me again, and I would never see it again.

Suddenly, I heard a voice, "Mom, what's she doing?"

"I don't know. Get back in the car, now." Replied a woman's stern voice. "What's going on here?" She asked the lady and man, neither of them had left.

"She's going to jump." Said the man flatly. The lady gasped. I turned around. the mother was a plump looking lady. Her children were inside her mini van. there was a five year old boy and a maybe three year old little girl. I stared at them as they stared back at me. I hated how they looked at me-

My thoughts were cut off by the voice inside my head.

_Come on, jump. they're going to try and talk you out of it. Jump before they get a chance._

"I don't think I can." I muttered uneasily back.

_Why not? It's just one simple jump, you can._

"Not in front of them."

_Not in front of who?_

"Them. The little kids."

_Why not?_

"I don't want them to see this."

_Who cares? They can't hide from death forever. they're going to learn that death's out there sooner or later._

"They're...they're just so young, though."

_Isn't that what the lady said to you, that you were too young? Pain waits for no one, neither does death. Jump now! I'm getting impatient. _

"I don't...I'm not sure."

_You should be sure. Turn away from the people, and jump. there is no question, there is no hesitation, just jump. I'll be waiting._

I did as the voice told me and turned around. Then I froze. Suddenly, my life flashed before my eyes. All the bad parts of my life were vividly displayed in my mind. I cringed and took a step closer to the edge. Maybe the voice was right. Who cares who sees me jump, who cares if my parents don't come? They wouldn't care anyways. My mom was probably at home passed out on the couch, beer bottles laying around her and on top of her, oblivious to the fact that she even had a daughter. My father was probably deliriously high on any drugs he could get his hands on.

A cold, steely anger came over me. I felt no fear, just anger. So much anger at them. So much anger at the world. So much anger at everybody in it, everybody who never helped me, never was there for me. They stayed out of my life, and left me alone to struggle. I hated them for that, but now, at the moment when I actually didn't want them to get involved, they did.

Why did they want me to live? They didn't seem to realize that they were a part of the reason I was going to kill myself. Where were they when I was being beaten by my father? Where were they when my head was bleeding after my mom threw a beer bottle at me? Where were they when I was locked outside of my house, freezing on the front porch? Where were they when I was in the alleys, sobbing as I scrounged for food in the trash bins? Where were they?

I knew the answer, the answer they were all trying to deny now. They were in their warm, comfortable homes, trying to erase the picture of the miserable girl out of their mind. They were walking away, trying to ignore my pathetic figure. They were looking at me compassionately, yet doing nothing. They were trying to get rid of the guilt they felt. Did any of them ever consider actually helping me, actually doing something?

No. They were to busy trying to keep themselves happy to care about me. They never said or did anything, so why now? Why now when all I want is for them to stay away?

I was furious at them, and I remembered why I was jumping. I was jumping to get away from these kind of people, to get away from all the pain and suffering that this world had burdened on me. All the pain these people gave me. Now I had another reason. To burden these people with the guilt that they didn't save me, that they never did anything to save me. My own personal revenge in my death.

The whole time rain was pouring and I didn't budge from the ledge. A bright spark of lightening pulled me out of my thoughts. I turned to face the people which was now a huge crowd as everybody stood around watching. Watching, but doing nothing. I knew what they were all waiting for. They were waiting for me to jump, they wanted to see me die. They were afraid to watch, yet too curious to turn away, so they waited nervously.

As soon as I turned around, people began yelling to me from all directions:

"Don't jump." "Come down" "Please, don't waste your precious life." "This won't solve your problems." "Please don't jump! Please!" "You can't jump!" "Whatever you do, don't jump!"

I noticed that there were police cars too, and policemen slowly approaching. I was furious, at their words and at the policemen coming towards me.

I shouted out, "Stay away. Come closer and I will jump right now!" The policemen froze and the crowd was silent. I observed the scene before me. cars were strewn across the bridge and everybody was watching me. "Waste my life? What life? I haven't been living a life. I've hardly been living at all. I've been living part of life, no life at all. Look at all of you! You disgust me! How can you even try to stop me, to tell me not to jump? You never said anything before, did you? Why now? WHY NOW!"

They all tried to look confuse nut the guilt, the knowing, was clearly etched on their faces.

As I looked at them the rain cleared. It was hazy. The sun was on the verge of rising, the rain on the verge of pouring again. The weather was unsure, still impending, undecided. The fog masked its indecision, it was waiting, not sure.

I was sure, though. I was sure that I hated these people and all they hadn't done. I hated my parents for the failures they were. I hated this world for its cruel entertainment. I hated life for all it had done me, the scars it had left, that would never leave me. I hated, I just hated.

I screamed at them, "WHERE WERE YOU? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS ALONE? WHY DO YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO DO SOMETHING? WHAT, HAS THE GUILT GOTTEN TOO MUCH? ARE YOU AFRAID THAT I'LL DIE BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT'S TOO LATE? YOU JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU DID SOMETHING! THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME, THIS IS ABOUT YOU! YOU DISGUSTING PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL YOURSELVES THAT YOU WERE GOOD, YOU TRIED TO HELP ME. YOU SICK, UGLY PEOPLE TRYING TO GET RID OF THE GUILT! YOU REALLY DON'T CARE IF I DIE, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT LATER! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU! " I was sobbing now, my voice was hoarse. I couldn't yell anymore, but I continued anyways between gasps of breath, "Where were you. Did, for just a second, did you think about doing something, consider helping me? Did you forget about yourself for a moment and consider the fact that you're not everything? Sure, you felt a little guilty afterwards, but, hey, you donated to some charity and now you're good again, right? Just ignore the girl and she'll go away. Well, here I am." I lifted my hands from my side, "An there you are, trying to talk me out of something you drove me to." I pointed to them, "Here you are trying to fix some of the damage you did, but it's too late. A hope you live with the guilt of me forever, so that it eats you away from the inside out, because you did this. You...Did...This" I said each word separately, getting quieter as I went.

I looked at them harshly for a moment, waiting for a reaction...something! They did nothing but stand there dumbly. They said nothing, but looked at me. I turned away from them. I couldn't stand looking at them, I hated them too much. The voice came back as I stepped closer to the edge of the stone wall.

_Good. Now jump. You have kept me waiting for some time. Jump before the police get up here. Jump before anyone can grab you. They are still dumbstruck. Now's your chance. Jump. Now. Quickly, before they realize what you are doing. Jump. Come to me. Leave this disgusting people. Leave them with the guilt. You don't need them. You need me. You need death. I will take you, death will take. We will be your friend. Jump. We want you. Jump. Come now. Jump. Do not keep us waiting.. Jump now. Our arms are open. __**Just Jump**__._

I realized that this voice wasn't separate, it was my voice. It was a part of me. The part of me that was abused and hurt. The part of me that had suffered the cruelty of life. The part of me that had been beaten and kicked, spit on and laughed at. The part of me that knew only coldness, darkness, pain, loneliness. The part of me that had been corrupted and destroyed by the ugly truth that the world was not always a beautiful place.

"But...I..." I struggled for words. A part of me was fighting. the part that still had hope, that still believed there was good out there. The part of me that was willing to forgive, to start over. The part of me that wanted to live, to see the sun the next day. The part of me that thought the sun would rise. That part of me that still hoped, despite it all.

_Jump._

"One more look. I just want to see...if they are there...so they can watch...then I will jump." I muttered under my breath.

_Fine. But be quick. Death does not like to wait. One look, then you jump. Be with me. Jump._

I nodded shakily and turned to survey the people once more. They all looked back. Was that a hint of remorse on their faces. No. It couldn't be. I didn't care anyways. I hated them. I shook my head and ignored them. I continued looking.

I didn't find my parents. I began turning away, preparing to jump. I knew none of them would try to stop me now. They knew it was hopeless.

As I turned to jump somebody said something I never would have expected. I couldn't have seen it coming. It wasn't a yell. It wasn't an order. It wasn't a moan, or a curse or anything I expected to hear.

It was

"I'm sorry."

It wasn't a yell, a shout, or a cry. It was . It just was.

So now, here we are, the end of the story. There is no more. What happens next is up to you.

Which part does she listen to: The part with hope or the part with none?

Does she jump or not?

Does she ignore the "I'm sorry" and jump, boiling with hatred? Does she take the dive? Does she turn and jump, her face lit with a smile at first, as she believes all her troubles are gone with this jump. Does she give up life and all it may have to offer? Is that it. Was it really too little too late? Did she jump?

OR

Does she turn back to the people? Does that sorry imprint something on her? As the rest of the people join in and say sorry, does she realize that that was what she wanted to hear? Does she forgive them? Does she have hope? Does she choose life over death? Does she turn away from the icy depths that would have been her frozen grave and bask in the warm glow life? Did she get off? Did she come back? Did she abandon the ledge and come back to the people, does she forgive those not-so-innocent bystanders? Does she find that life is worth a second chance? Is it?

And for the bystanders. What happens to them?

Did they learn something from that desperate girl? Did they finally understand that the little things are what make the big differences? Did they see and comprehend that this girl's possible tragedy was partly due to their indifference, their ignorance as they walked by her wretched figure without a second glance? Did they realize that their actions and, more importantly, inactions had consequences? Did they change because of that? Did that girl's words strike true? Did they suddenly come to their senses? Did the girl wake them up? Were they willing to change now, to do more? Were they sorry, not just for themselves, but for the girl? Was that sorry genuine? Did they break away from their self-absorbed lives for a moment to actually care for this girl? Did they change? Did any of them truly change?

OR

After the outcome, did they just go back to their normal lives? Did they forget about that mornings incident as more important things came up, like, say, themselves? Did they tell others their story of that morning as nothing else other than a story, for entertainment, for interest? Did they stay the same? Did the words mean nothing? Did they continue to ignore the sufferings of others? Did they remain indifferent? Did it mean nothing to them, that they might've cost a girl's life?

These are all questions you can answer, and I'm sure there are more questions you have. The answers I leave you to find on your own.

To Jump Or Not To Jump

**Okay. Let me just ask, has anyone here read ****The Lady or The Tiger.**** Well that short story was a major cliff hanger too, except on a completely different topic. **

**I know, I know, a pretty dark story, but I felt I should write it. I've never been in a situation like this, and don't know anyone who ever has been, but I hear about suicides on TV and I wonder what drove them to it. This is my own interpretation and it might be completely off, but this is it. **

**I also would like to add that this is all my own. Don't hate me! It doesn't come from a book or anything. Original. Please, please, please don't hate me! At first I was just writing this for myself but then I thought I might share it with you, hope it was worth it.**

**Oh, before I go, I would like to tell you what I think happened. Since I like happy endings I would say the girl chose life, family issues worked out, probably adopted, and she got professional help and found the light with help and support from people around her. Then I would say that the majority of the bystanders changed, they did the little things that make the big differences. Of course there are those couple people who are so self-absorbed that they didn't change at all. Better without them I guess.**

**So there. Wow, long author's note. that's my answer. Thanks for putting up with me. Please tell me what you think of it, what you think happened. All that stuff.**


End file.
